My insides feel sore. Especially right beneath my breastbone. You see, after three months of anxious anticipation, even allowing myself to spin a few 'what if' type dreams (though I've tried to keep a lid on those), I got what is perhaps the most disappointing rejection so far.
A fat manuscript-sized envelope. I knew it the minute my son brought it in. Fat envelopes--bad for writers. The hoped for phone call from that editor would NOT be coming.
My entire ms, packaged up with hope, excitement, trepidation, dreams, (a lot to fit into an envelope) returned with a letter saying, 'Thanks, but no thanks at this time. Good luck with your writing career.'
My first thought on reading that line was, "What writing career?"
Feelings are a fickle leader, aren't they? Just this week, I felt like something big was going to happen with my writing this year. I felt good about the places I had mss under consideration. I felt good about where the current WIP was going and the work I was getting done on it.
Right now? I feel like nothing is ever going to happen. I feel that none of my mss will ever see the light of day in any of the places to which they have been submitted. I feel like my current WIP is dust and ashes and no matter what I do to it, it will remain the same. I feel crummy.
I'm so glad God doesn't govern according to His feelings, and that He doesn't order history and the future based upon how I FEEL, for those feelings change with the climate.
Today I read in Psalm 37: 3-5 Trust in the Lord and do good: Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, turst also in Him and He will do it.
Timely verses for a woman who was soon to FEEL as if the desire of my heart had been shattered utterly.
Trust in the Lord and do good. Am I trusting in the Lord? Am I doing good? It sure is easy to say I'm trusting in Him when good things are happening. A lot harder when things don't go according to my plan. Herein lies the key. If things don't go according to my plan, and this throws me awry, then I am not trusting in the Lord.
Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Stay in the center of God's will for me and do the work necessary to be faithful. Cultivation takes time. Faithfulness is the result of hard work, not an overnight acheivement.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Do I delight myself in the Lord? Is He the source of my joy and stability, my hope and my peace? Am I satisfied with all He does and says He will do in me and for me? I confess my delight is easily swayed, easily distracted by things shabby and temporal.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Really? Truly? Can this promise be for me? I have a hard time believing that a God who knows me by heart would be gracious and generous, would give me something I want so badly. I know myself to be unworthy, and yet, here is His promise. Why do I strive, why do I strain and fret when His plan is laid out right here? I am bad at asking God for what I want, even though He stands by longing to give me His best, out of the riches of His grace.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it. Is my way commited to him? Have I committed it only to take it back time and again? Am I trusting in Him that even the most disappointing rejection of my writing career is allowed, nay even PLANNED by Him for my good? He will bring me the desire of my heart. That desire might well be to become an author. That desire might well be changed as I continue to learn to trust my Heavenly Father to do me good and not evil.
So though my heart is sore, my hope is not dashed, for my hope is in the Lord.
I will press on.